Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×
  • Listening to: twenty one pilots
  • Watching: the walking dead
  • Eating: panda express
  • Drinking: tea
so the news isnt good, its about my father, he has 3 main arteries that are blocked, 2 at 95 percent blocked, and 1 at 100 percent blocked. and in his legs, there are blockages too. his heart is working at about 25 percent right now, and we are doing a battery of tests, to find out if we could do a bypass surgery, if hes even able to do that, we will find out in the next few days. right now tests first and then a game plan of attack.

im heartbroken and worried. i hope he pulls thro and we can have him spend the rest of his days at home. 

just been a stressful week, havent slept in two day, tonight i will try to get some sleep finally. 

if you pray, say a prayer for my lovely father please. we need it. 

EDIT** 

we went over surgery options for bypass surgery and the risks outweigh the rewards, and my father decided against the surgery. 

hes only working with a heart pumping at 13 percent now. so he could go in 2 days, or 2 months or a yr. but they said more like 2 months tops. 

so now we are at home, with hospice care. so its hospice that will be helping me take care of him daily, until the dreadful day comes when we will have to say goodbye. 

im so thankful for the time i have with him. 

this really really is the most painful and heartbreaking thing ive ever gone thro. 
  • Listening to: luke bryan
  • Watching: the walking dead
  • Eating: pizza
  • Drinking: water
well im on insulin now, 10mg in the morning and 10mg at night. for two weeks, then possible go to 20mg morning and night. so yeah, yay, get to poke myself with needles. it sucks, but its the best option for me right now, since i cant control my blood sugars any other way. 

update, so its been a week, and im starting to feel better, have more energy, and the shots arent painful, because its a small needle. thank god. 



  • Listening to: nothing more
  • Watching: the walking dead
  • Eating: home made stew
  • Drinking: earl grey tea
no we do not turn away anyone. we help.

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”  Emma Lazarus

its a human on human issue. not muslims or what ever other religion you think is wrong.
we all have bad people in every "group" we have put people in. does not mean all people are bad. there are "bad" humans, but there are so many more "good" humans.
  • Listening to: nothing more
  • Reading: wreck this journal
  • Watching: good mythical morning
  • Eating: chicken kale salad wrap
  • Drinking: vanilla chai tea

To the Heavy -

Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.

‪#‎HansSelye‬
‪#‎iknowJenny‬

All we ever do is react. There is no past and no future. So reacting is synonymous with experience. And death is an equal, and necessary, part of this alien hologram.

  • Listening to: nothing more
  • Reading: wreck this journal
  • Watching: good mythical morning
  • Eating: tuna salad wrap
  • Drinking: chamomile, and black tea
Nothing More

"I'll Be OK"


We live in the rain, a sea of change
You can't keep anything you take
The lovely face of lives we chase
Is but dust for wind to take
When all is gone, the only loss
Is to not have loved at every cost
When you can say, and I can say
We loved with every step we take, I'll be ok

How do you love when your heart is broken?
How do you speak when you feel outspoken?
I can forgive and be forgiven
By learning to heal with a heart wide open

With open hearts, despite the stakes
We take a chance on our mistakes
A brand new day, we will embrace
An open wound that heals with grace
All the fears that we will face
In this time, and in this place
When you can say, and I can say
We loved with every step we take, I'll be ok

I'll be ok...
  • Listening to: INCUBUS, Brandon Boyd, Sons of the sea
  • Reading: wreck this journal
  • Watching: The Walking Dead and sirens
  • Playing: Sims3
  • Eating: home made fajitas
  • Drinking: chamomile and vanilla tea

Incubus "Priceless"

The fact that you
You think you can
Speak to me
The way you do
It bleeds me to believe that you
Have never stepped out of the skin you lived within

And then, and if
This day occurs
Your tongue, the taste
Will imitate a battery
The anti-equilibrium
Your stomach becomes the floor

The look on your face was priceless!
The look on your face was priceless!
Yes, the look on your face was priceless!
That look, it was...

A light goes on upstairs, 
The attic is ablaze!
This island isn't big enough
For both of us so who will swim
In eel infested oceans?

Kiss the sand good-bye
because the tide is coming up and in
Yeah, water, water, water everywhere!
And every chance to sink!

The look on your face was priceless!
The look on your face was priceless!
Yes, the look on your face was priceless!
That look, it was so priceless

It's an amalgamation 
Of the things you aren't
The ways you wish you were
A split second
Perceiving of the way you really look to everyone of them

I wish that you could see because
I wish that you could see

The look on your face was priceless!
The look on your face was priceless!
Yes, the look on your face was priceless!
That look, it was so priceless



Incubus "Rogues"


I'm keeping an eye on the future
An eye on the past
And the present in my pocket
Just in case I need a door...
Into a brave new world
Where all solutions end up with my head
Buried to my neck in sand.
Enough, enough bowing down to disillusion!
Hats off and applause to Rogues and Evolution!
The ripple effect is too good not to mention
If you're not affected then you're not paying attention!
It's too good, too good, not to have an effect.
I'm keeping an eye on the pulse
An ear to the track and
Penance in a locket
I'm dropping from the highest floor
When it hits the ground
I watch it smash to pieces
Songs of liberation
Echo from the dust
The dust 
Enough, enough bowing down to disillusion!
Hats off and applause to Rogues and Evolution!
The ripple effect is too good not to mention
If you're not affected then you're not paying attention!
It's too good, too good, not to have an effect!
Enough,Enough,Enough,Enough,Enough!
Enough, enough bowing down to disillusion!
Hats off and applause to Rogues and Revolution!
The ripple effect is too good not to mention
If you're not affected then you're not paying attention!
It's too good, too good, too good...yes.
  • Listening to: INCUBUS, Brandon Boyd, Sons of the sea
  • Reading: wreck this journal
  • Watching: The Walking Dead
  • Playing: Sims3
  • Eating: homemade chili
  • Drinking: tea

Incubus 
"The Warmth"

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb 
But there's a cold wind coming from 
The top of the highest high rise today 
Its not a breeze cuz it blows hard 
Yes and it wants me to discard 
The humanity I know, watched the warmth blow away 
So don't let the world bring you down 
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold 
Remember why you came and while you're alive 
Experience the warmth before you grow old 
So do you think I should adhere 
To that pressing new frontier 
And leave in my wake, a trail of fear 
Should I hold my head up high 
And throw a wrench and spokes by 
I'm leaving the air behind me clear 
So don't let the world bring you down 
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold 
Remember why you came and while you're alive 
Experience the warmth before you grow old 
So don't let the world bring you down 
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold 
Remember why you came and while you're alive 
Experience the warmth before you grow old 
Before you grow old

Devious Journal Entry

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 7, 2014, 8:56 PM
  • Listening to: Atmosphere
  • Reading: wreck this journal
  • Watching: The Walking Dead
  • Playing: Sims3
  • Eating: spaghetti and garlic bread
  • Drinking: Cherry Kool aid
Ain't no way to explain or say
How painful the hangover was today
In front of the toilet, hands and knees
Trying to breathe in between the dry heaves
My baby made me some coffee
Afraid that if I drink some it's probably coming right back out me
Couple of advil, relax and chill
At a standstill with how bad I feel
I think I need to smell fresh air
So I stepped out the back door and fell down the stairs
The sunlight hit me dead in the eye
Like it's mad I gave half the day to last night
My bad sight made me trip on my ass right into that patch of grass like that's life
All of a sudden, I realize something
The weather is amazing, even the birds are bumpin
Stood up and took a look and a breath
And there's that bike that I forgot that I possessed
Never really seen exercise as friendly
But I thing something's telling me to ride that ten speed
The brakes are broken, it's alright
The tires got air and the chain seems tight
Hopped on and felt the summertime,
It reminds me of one of them Musab lines like

[Chorus 2X]

Sunshine, sunshine, it's fine
I feel it in my skin, warming up my mind,
Sometimes you gotta give in to win,
I love the days when it shines, whoa let it shine

If I could I would keep this feeling in a plastic jar
Bust it out whenever someone's actin hard
Settle down, barbeque in the backyard
The kids get treats and old folks get classic cars
Every day that gets to pass is a success
Every woman looks better in a sun dress
The sunshine's an excuse to shoot hoops, get juice
Show improve their moves and let loose
I hear voices, I see smiles to match em
Good times and you can feel it in the fashion
Even though the heat cooks up the action
The streets still got butterflies
Enough kids to catch 'em
Ridin my bike around these lakes man
Feelin like I finally figured out my escape plan
Take it all and the day started off all wrong
Somehow now that hangover is all gone
Ain't nothing like the sound of the leaves
When the breeze penetrates these southside trees
Leanin' up against one, watchin the vibe
Forgettin' all about the stress, thanking god I'm alive
It's so simple, I had to keep the song simple
When I get home I'm gonna open all the windows
Feelin all right, stopped at a stop sign
A car pulled up, bumpin Fresh Prince's Summertime

[Chorus 2X]

Skin Art: Zaellrin
  • Listening to: 30 seconds to mars
  • Reading: wreck this journal
  • Watching: The Walking Dead
  • Playing: Sims3
  • Eating: spaghetti
  • Drinking: Pepsi
Oh oh oh oh oh, Whoa
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh, Whoa
Oh oh oh oh oh

I've been up in the air, out of my head,
Stuck in a moment of emotion I destroyed.
Is this the end I feel?
Up in the air, fucked up on life,
> All of the laws I've broken, loves that I've sacrificed.
Is this the end, end, end, end?

I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love.

A thousand times I tempted fate.
A thousand times I played this game.
A thousand times that I have said today, today, today.

Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh

I've been up in the air, lost in the night.
I wouldn't trade an eye for your lies.
Your lust for my life.
Is this the end, hey?

You were the love of my life, the darkness, the light.
This is a portrait of a tortured you and I.
Is this the, is this the, is this the end?

I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love, love.

A thousand times I tempted fate.
A thousand times I played this game.
A thousand times that I have said,
Today, today, today.

Whoa

A thousand times I tempted fate (whoa)
A thousand times I played this game (whoa)
A thousand times that I have said (whoa),
Today, today, today.

Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh

Oh (today) oh (today) oh (today) oh (today) oh (today) oh (today) oh (today)

I've been up in the air.
Is this the end I feel?
Up in the air, chasing a dream so real.
I've been up in the air.

I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck, neck, neck (is this the end I feel?)
Up in the air, chasing a dream, chasing a dream.

Take no more!
Take no more!
Take no more!
I'll take no more!

A thousand times I tempted fate (take no more)
A thousand times I played this game (take no more)
A thousand times that I have said (take no more),
Today, today, today.

Whoa

Today, today, today, today (I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck with love, love.)
Today, today, today, today (I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck with love, love.)

I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck, neck, neck, neck, neck, neck, neck.
I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love.
  • Listening to: in ths moment
  • Reading: 50 shades of grey
  • Watching: Dexter
  • Eating: pizza
  • Drinking: black cherry kool aid
The past 6 months have been a roller coaster. one minute, up, and the next... DOWN. hand fights, make ups, and the just go on with life moments. Its been good, and Ive seen the real things that matter the most. I havent found work, but I think its best that I stay where Im at for a few more months, just to be with my father, who knows how much long he has. and Im trying my hardest to enjoy this time with him, but that saddness just reaps over everything , dreading the moment I know I will have to deal with, and have to figure out what to do, in a state of shock and panic. Ive been preparing myself for this for a long time now, and I feel its almost here, and I know Im no where near ready. but how can I really be read to deal with you DEATH. you come and go as you please, and you dont really give anyone signals that your knocking on their door.

anyhow, this year, I hope to make a great year. a year of growth and a year of spending with family. I hope everyone has a great year, this year. do what you want, and dont let others hold you back. I know thats one of the things Im going to work on. :)
  • Listening to: 30 seconds to mars
  • Reading: 50 shades of grey
  • Watching: breaking bad
  • Drinking: black cherry kool aid
so its been a little over 2 yrs now since my moms death, and a lot has happened. good and bad. even strange. but i wasnt prepared for this to happen, and happen so suddenly.

my fathers long time girlfriend, who i considered a second mom to me, and my dad lived with for like the last 12 years, died yesterday august 15th.

this past year was really tough for her, lots of colds/flu and medical issues. then this past like 2 months she got super sick and was told she had pneumonia.
so about 3 weeks ago, one night she couldnt breath, they had her taken to the ER where they said there was fluid in her lungs, and they drained the fluid and then did some tests, and come to find out, she has lung cancer. (im not sure what type) but the docs gave her 6 to 9 months. and said with chemo maybe 2 yrs.

so i knew it was only a matter of time, but i did not expect to get the call this morning at 930am, that she had died.

so many things are happening right now, and i cant say a word. why? because im not blood/family. yes she was family to me, and my father, but her family is now in the depts of dealing with her death, and taking care of everything.

and ontop of this, i had a really stupid fight with barbara a couple of weeks ago, she chewed my ass haha, and i so deserved it, but im hard headed and stupid, and thought id let things cool off for a while, and then she ended up in the ER, and i knew i had to tell her sorry and to talk with her, but i couldnt, and i was told that i couldnt see her, because she didnt want me there, and i knew id just upset her, or stress her out, and i didnt want to do that, so when she went into the hospital, i wanted so badly to see her and tell her im sorry, and i love her. but i now do not get that chance. so please if your n a fight with someone, please just forgive and forget. because now i see the errors of my ways, and i can not tell her another thing ever again, and it breaks my heart that i can not tell her, i was stupid, and im sorry. and that i love her, and that she was right.

but my father is 79 yrs old, and no spring chicken, and can barely make rent, and should not be alone right now, and im so worried for him. and i know now its only a matter of time before he goes, because she was the glue that held him together. and he is the glue that held her together. so if one goes, the other will follow.

im super worried and stressed about this situation and whats going to happen. one thing i hate about this situation, is people seem so highly emotional and want to get this shit over with, and go on with their lives, rather then to sit down, breath, take it in, and really sit down and think about the situation, and what needs to happen.

with my moms death, it was a whirl wind of people talking about this and that,. and my sister and i who were the closest with her, feeling complete over whelmed by people who werent in her life trying to make decisions for us.

its just a strange thing to go thro. and i am worried about my fathers life falling apart now, hes fragil, and he needs to be kept in his surrounds and not ripped from them with such force, that it will kill him.

and i fear thats whats going to happen. the same thing happened to my mother, she loved her husband jim, they were together a year, and then married, and 3 months to the day, when they got married he died. and from that day on, her health went down the hill, and i know its half due to the "broken heart" of losing someone.

and now i see the same thing happening with my father. which is so sad. i want to stop it from happening, but know i can not.

and on top of this, barbaras granddaughter who she was super close with, who just had a baby like 6 months ago, is getting married this Saturday,  august 18th. im heart broken she didnt get to see her granddaughter walk down the aisle.

im exhausted, and im gonna go sleep now, and tomorrow lots of talking with my sister and father, about what we are gonna do.

ha my friend carry said to me today, "today is like a dick, things just keep popping up" lol at least i have the people i love to make me laugh and be there for me. so with that, thank you everyone who has supported me thro thick and the thin in my life. i am so grateful to have you all! I love you.
Mood:  Sentimental
Listening to: opie and anthony
Reading: hunger games series
Watching: hunger games
Eating: pizza
Drinking: ice tea


since my mothers death, a little over a yr ago now, my family is gone. they all got twisted and bent by money. and not even money worth fighting for really. its sad, i lost what i knew as family. money is an evil thing.

my brothers hurt me in such a cruel way. and the sad thing is, they dont even know they hurt me. and now after things have settled down, and the probate is almost done, and i have signed the papers, my brother decides to go and revise it, so that it basically covers my 3 brothers asses, for doing what they did and so that my sister and i cant come back to sue them or something.

its sick. my 3 brothers stole my moms ashes, and went and spread them on a lake, without me or my sister, or her two kids emily and hannah. and guess what, A it was illegal for them to do so. and they hurt me beyond words. they stole my last good bye to my mother. something i will never ever get back. and im so angry and hurt by what they did, and now they are trying to be all nice and trick me into signing something that will release them of any wrong doing.

kiss my ass. i will not sign. i will not jump when you say jump. and don't underestimate me. because i know my rights, and you will see me fight if you push me into a corner with your pathetic bullshit.




Adele

"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship [shit] bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one on you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love remind me of us
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it, with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door (woah)
Count your blessings to find what you look for (woah)
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (woah)
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (woah)
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.
my mother passed away on new years eve. I feel lost. and I already miss her, but I know shes in a better place, and shes not suffering anymore. this past year has been hard, she had open heart surgery, a triple bypass. and her health was up and down. I dont know what else to say. my heart is breaking and I have to stay strong for family.
  • Listening to: nin
  • Reading: snow falling on cedars
  • Watching: orphan
  • Eating: chinese
  • Drinking: mountain dew
He who bends to himself a joy. Does the winged life destroy. But he who kisses the joy as it flies. Lives in eternitys sunrise.
  • Listening to: august burns red
  • Drinking: mountain dew
hey this is something I wrote about river city vet clinic. they were amazing and I love them!!!

NEWS - Oliver my kitty died. he got super sick and I kidney/liver failed. so I had to put him to sleep.... im still super sad.

my kitty - kvetched.deviantart.com/art/ol…


in august of 2009 I had lost my job and now Im on unemplyment. which I believe was a way for me to spend the most time with this amazing animal.

this is olivers story.

In 2007 I was living in a trailer in the oak crest park in coeur d alene. I was on my own, and I had a cat, she was black with some white on her. I loved her she was so cute and fun to be around. she light up my day. she was an indoor cat and was not fixed. Then one day she got out, and she didnt come home for about two days. I was worried, but confident she would return. Indeed she did return, and a few months later, found out, she came home pregnant. She was so happy. she had a fully belly and was glowing with excitement. then she gave birth in march of 2007. she had four cute babys. one was black and white, long haired. I named her chunk, because she would push all the others out of the way to get to mom and feed. then when she got older, she would climb into the food dish and fall in and just eat. then there was a white with some black female, who was so cute and sweet, I named her olivia. next came rocket. she was so fast and ran around all over and climbing and jumping off everything and everyone around. she was black, when born but as time went on she started to grow and you could see she was chocolate and black rings all over her. then the last of the bunch was oliver. he was small and white with some grey/black stripes. as time went on, I grew more and more to love oliver. I was hooked. as a matter of fact, when monster was giving birth he was the last one out, and he was coming out, back feet first and he seemed to be stuck. so I gently pulled him out of the womb. and I knew he was the one I was going to keep.

as time went on, I grew more attacthed to him, Id go outside and I would have him on my shoulder and Id play in the grass with him. he was such a inquisitive little guy. everyone who seen him and met this amazing cat left with a smile on their face.

fast foreward to this last month of december, I was in a new place and oliver was the king. he was so cuddley and loving. he would sleep right next to my head, and his paws would have to be touching my face. he would wake me up, but licking my eyelids, and he would curle up in a ball to take his nap right next to me, his paws always having to be touching me.

I spoiled him with feeding him my left overs and buying meats just for him. he was ten lbs! he was my big ol baby cat. by christmas time, I noticed he was sleeping more and more. he seemed very lethargic. by jan 4th I noticed he was walking kind of weird. so I started to watch him more, and by jan 8th. he turned for the worse.

between jan 4th and jan 8th he was walking kinda like his back legs were weak. and like he was off balance. it slowly but steady got worse over time. on jan 7th I was crying and I was calling vets to get info on what might be wrong with him. I had no money, due to me losing my job in august 2009. I had 45 dollars on me. and most vets wanted 49-55 dollars just to be seen.

I had 3 pages of numbers, of different vets and places that deal with animals. but all would do nothing for 45 dollars. I was frustrated and scared. I had no faith in humanity by the end of the day on jan 7th.

that night and into the early morning oliver was getting worse and worser and he was on on his death bed no doubt. but I refused to quit and let him die. I wanted to help him. and I was going to fight for him when he couldnt and I was going to fight for him, because I was the only one who would and could do so.

oliver was worse and slowly he stopped walking. he would just lay in front of my heater and try to crawl to me. then try to crawl back to his spot by the heater. so thro out the night and into the early hours of jan 8th, I was holding oliver and crying and just begging god to help me with this cat. I kept telling him, stay with me, fight this and stay with me oliver. I love you. please stay with me. by this time, he was so dehdrated and by 2am on jan 8th he was cold, and quit trying to walk. his eyes were dilated and I had wrapped oliver up in a blanket and put a heating pad on him. I was feeding him with an eye dropper water. by 7am I was so tired and wired from the whole night. I was determinded to find him help. I grabbed him and wrapped him in my blanket and got in the car with an empty tank and  45 dollars to my name, and drove to all the vets in the hayden and coeur d alene area. one of which was not open til 9am. and it was now 8am.

I went to about 4 places, Id park and grab oliver who was wrapped in a blanket and me, crying, tears running down my face, walk into these vet offices and beg for help. please I begged help him. and each one turned me down and said you dont have enough money and we dont do payment plans.

now what really upset me was, I was trying to find this cat help and no one had the compassion to do so. no one was willing to say this cat is dying and he needs help. I told one vet that if I did not come and get him help, that you guys would prosecute me, and send me to jail or pay huge fines, but Im bringing him to you, and now you ignore me and turn me away!?! I said that if I Was sick I could walk into a hospital and they would help me and then bill me and I can do payment plans. someone needs to work with me.

and each time I was devistated and I was hurt and scared. I was becoming more angry by the time I got home at 9am. I was so upset, my first thought was call the news. I some how got a hold of a person at kxly 4 channel news, and I spoke with her, and she was very supportive and understanding, and finally I thought... Someone who will help! she called me back and got me a vet who is in spokane, so I had a friend drive me and my cat oliver to this vet in spokane. I got there, and the first thing I said was my name is stephanie and i spoke with so and so at kxly and they said they spoke with you about me coming now. now this vet clinic refused that they even talked to anyone at kxly. but said they would look at the cat for 45 dollars. so I brought him into a room and a female nurse came in and looked at him, we weighed him, he was 8.4 lbs. so he lost almost 2 lbs. and she took his temp, which normal is 102. and oliver was at 94. she said hes dehdrated and his bladders full. his kidney feels irregular. then she left and in walks a doctor who hands me a piece of paper with what they want to do, and an estimate of 400.00 to 500.00 dollars. and he said he needed the money first.

I was in shock. he did not even look at the cat. he hands me paper and asks for money. No compassion what so ever. I was angry to say the least and I asked him if he had any payment plans. he said no, but he would take collateral. like a credit card he could hold. we offered the title to my car. he refused. I asked him if I left oliver here would you help him, fix him and then adopt him out? and he just smirked at me with this smug smile and crossed his arms. so I said a few choice four letters words and grabbed my cat and left.

I know it was wrong of me to curse at him, and Im sorry I do so. but I was frustrated and so hurt and angry by the whole thing. so I Went home with my friends and we called vet after vet after vet, looking to see if anyone would help me out, help oliver. just HELP.

I have never felt so helpless before. I was holding my cat oliver and looking into his eyes and he was alert and with me, but just exhausted. and he would grab my fingers with his paws, like please dont let go of me yet.

so finally after about 35 mins of searching. we found someone!!!!! I Was excited, but still crying and exhausted. we drove out to a place in postfalls, named river city,

the moment I walked into that door. a sense of help, and reliefe washed over me. I knew he was going to get the help he deserved and I knew I would get the compassion and understanding I needed.

I walked in, and the front lady said and who do we have here today? and I said oliver. hes sick, please help him. and she walked around the counter and took him out of my arms and said I will take care of him.

I sat down, and filled out some paper work, then was brought into another private room, where the doctor came in, and talked to me, asked me about his health and what happened.

For the first time in the last 24 hours. I felt I was being listened to. I felt comfortable and hopefull. and I felt that this doctor, this place was caring about how oliver was doing, and they were trying to save him.

they did a blood test and within a half hour, we got our answers. even tho they were still not clear cut, it was the first time someone even talked to me about what was going on with him.

we were finding out thro the blood tests that his kidney and liver may be giving out. I was sadden by the news. but I knew by that time it was something really serious. and I needed compassion and understanding and someone to fight for him, just like I had fought for him.

and river city did fight for him, they helped by figuring out, that something was indeed wrong and they took the time to look at him, and see if it was something they could fix or if it was the best thing to do was, to put him to sleep.

I felt safe in their hands, and I felt happy knowing we did all we could to help oliver. and I finally gave the ok, that afternoon to put oliver to sleep.

I got to say my goodbyes to him. and I felt good knowing that I fought for him, and that river city fought with me. :) I thank them for their time, and their compassion and for putting faith back in humanity again for me.

with out them, I think the world is a cold cold place. and I hope people can learn, compassion and understanding goes a long way.

thank you for your time. and in olivers loving memory god bless.

stephanie white.
  • Listening to: shadows fall
  • Eating: banana cream pie
  • Drinking: mountain dew
just a quick update.

I got fired from CP. Im actualy happy now. :) anyhow, it sucked at first, I freaked out, got stressed out, got sick, felt better, got a interview with usbank and now waiting for their final decision, if I get it, work starts 8/31/09. starts at 10.58 an hour. and comes with 3 weeks training. sweetness. got unemplyment till then. :)

If you need me email me at - kvetched30@gmail.com
  • Listening to: deftones
  • Drinking: pepsi
So the other day, while driving home from work, (I had gotten off early yay!) I seen a Diablo bike. WOW... it was stunning. you dont see these types of bikes where Im at. and if you do, its a rare treat to see such a site. this one was black and had awesome greenish blue flames all over it. and then I seen one exactly like this ---> www.dragbike.com/photogallerys…

I highly doubt they are jesse james. :/ ha! i dont think anyone in ID has the money for one. but they are exactly like them. :P beautiful bikes.

and yesterday I went swimming. water was awesomely cold and refreshing. I also watched the fantastic four silversurfer. ya shutup im late to the party on seeing it. :)

so I removed a few people off my friends list on myspace, hmm I wonder how long before they even notice.

Im staying clear of jackie and allie. and Im going to ignore them and if they invite me im not going. and im refusing to invite them or waste my time with em anymore. I feel good about that.

Im doing it for me. :D

anyhow everyone please have a safe 4th of july. I dont want to be friends with someone missing a finger.
  • Listening to: rammstein
  • Drinking: pepsi
Friends...?

ok So I have a friend, shes called Allie. and I have another friend who I call jackie.

so this is the deal.

I became friends with jackie, first, we met at work, hit it off. we became connected at the hip. I liked being around her. she and I finished eachothers sentences. but then I met allie. we met and were connected at the hip too. I juggled the two, before you know it, allie and jackie became friends, and then the three of us always hung out. but more often then not, me and allie hung out together ALL the time.

I stayed at her house constantly. helped take care of her kid, helped her clean and move furniture. I tried to be there for her, thro all the crap she went thro with exs/baby daddy. but then after alot of crap. I decided she wasnt treating me very nice. I seen how one sided this friendship was. and I felt I was giving and not recieving anything in return. when I asked for help on anything, it was always im busy or sorry i dont feel good  *coughcough*. *sigh* so one night, after she had been just in a bad mood, and acting like a bitch, I finally called her on it. and I snapped back at her.

i didnt usualy take it personally. they way she was mad at small things... i just kinda thought it was her frustrated or something... so i kinda laughed it off, but after a so much of it... I finally did take it personal.

if you had someone yell at you all the time, and you would snap back too every once in a while geesh.

So that night i snapped back. she didnt like it. needless to say we didnt speak for a whole week, except about things at work, that was work related. like a cust accnt.

then we started to talk again, and i wanted to really talk to her about the whole situation and tell her why i was mad, and hurt and i wanted her to tell me why she was so mad at me that night, and try to resolve and solve this whole mess. she said just forget it ever happen and lets go on.

so from there on, I didnt push the issue. i didnt go to her house or call her. I decided to let her come to me.

ever since, she hasnt called or text or hung out with me once. shes come up to me at work, and talked about her issues with boys and family and what her kid has learned but nothing of, "hey wanna hang out?"

now after this spat... or what ever you wanna call it, jackie has all of a sudden been hanging out with allie all the damn time. she is now over there doing the things that i did... clean house, watch the kid and so on. now  they are connected at the hip.

now I see when allie says jump, who ever her friend is at the moment says how high? and its a totaly one side friendship, but they dont see it til its too late.

so now my friend jackie is hanging out with allie all the time. to make matters worse im rooming with jackie. so when jackie comes home, allies with her. and they giggle and laugh and have a fun ol time. and then they expect to come into my room and tell me about the fun time they have, and then they run out and leave me all alone.

ever since allie and i had the fight, jackie hasnt hung out with me as much. shes now with allie all the damn time. and she doesnt bother to invite me at all. and even when I try to invite jackie, she turns me down all the time. *sigh* I dont know what the hell Ive done. and I cant fix what I dont know to fix.

when allie comes over to see jackie, she doesnt bother to say hi to me or like say hey wanna come with us to the store? or hey we are gonna hang out, you wanna join?

and what pisses me off. Is If I Say a damn word to either one about me feeling left out, or want to talk to them about them practically rubbing it in my face, I will be the JEALOUS friend. and ya maybe I am a tad jealous that they are friends, but not because "they" are friends, its because they can hang out and have fun, and my two only friends in the world have forgetten me....

I feel left out. i feel forgotten and If I say anything they will just think im jealous and wont listen to me, and then it will make matters worse. so when I do see them lately, I just smile and nod and run the hell away as fast as i can.

Im sad that it ended like this. I really am and I really hope that jackie and allie stay friends, and that allie doesnt do to jackie, what she did to me.
  • Listening to: taproot
  • Eating: sweet sour chicken and rice
  • Drinking: mountain dew
ok I have to comment about this. I dislike doing so. but god. PEOPLE GET AHOLD OF YOURSELFS~!!! for fucks sake.

people are freaking over this. People Die every day. what makes michael jackson so different then any one else? should we all throw ourselfs to the ground and cry and pull out our hair, every single time someone dies? no. act like a grown up, and yes, shed a tear or two, and mourn, but not like a complete jackass, especialy since *YOU* were not apart of his life. you were not family or a friend. you were just someone else watching from afar.

and this goes to everyone who freaks out when a celeb dies. We are all people. we all die. it will happen eventually to everyone. its something you need to buck up and deal with.

I think now is the time to leave him alone. leave him to die in peace, and let his family start to mourn and start the healing process.

its a shame to see how everyone is FREAKING OUT and how you all are REACTING. its harder for the family to deal with. we should let his family mourn in peace, not have 10 million people throwing themselves infront of them and making a huge scene.

did you see how many people were at the hospital? that was insane. I think that was totaly distasteful and a disrespect to the family.

Its sad that michael Jackson died. I mourn the loss of a POP ICON. he did many great things for the music world. but I did not know him as a person, or spent time with him personally. so I will not miss work, or sit in bed and cry all day.

you need to focus on you. not what the hell a pop star or a celeb is doing. god get ahold of yourself people.
  • Listening to: rammstein
  • Eating: sweet sour chicken and rice
  • Drinking: pepsi
ever have those moments where you think WTF is humanity doing? for the past yr or two... I really have lost faith in humanity for so many reasons. and I havent had anything recently in the past yr that has brought it back. but the past few months small things, have happened and just today it hit me. It hit me, that all the small things Ive been taking for granted that has been good, has been restoring my faith in humanity...

I was in the lunch area downstairs in the building I work in, and I was watching the tv, cash cab lol i know... shhhh.

so one of the managers walks by me and says "hi stephanie how are you?" it was small talk...but it blew me away.

I was totatly taken aback by this... SHE KNEW MY NAME. and she said it, like we have known eachother for yrs and yrs. like she was my bestfriend.

I couldnt believe this, cause this is a person i rarely see at work, shes on a different floor, she talks to hundreds of people a day... how does she remember me? it was one of those rare moments that I am blessed for. something that I take so personal. and it made me have faith in humanity once again. :)

thank you marie. your amazing. :hug: